


Who are the Sinners Among Us?

by archaeologist_d



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Era, Canon Related, Canon Universe, F/M, Friendship/Love, Lost Love, M/M, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, lancelot loves gwen, merlin loves Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:15:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29520018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaeologist_d/pseuds/archaeologist_d
Summary: Love takes and takes and takes and they keep loving anyway. Or how Merlin and Lancelot deal with Arthur’s marriage to Gwen.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Lancelot/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59
Collections: Camelot Drabble — Prompt #446: Greek Love, Merlin Bingo





	Who are the Sinners Among Us?

_Love doesn't discriminate  
Between the sinners  
And the saints  
It takes and it takes and it takes  
And we keep loving anyway._

Hamilton

* * *

Flowers festooned on the battlements, jugglers and singers and dancers flitting around entertaining the crowds, nobles jostling with the peasantry, tables groaning with food from all over Albion.

It was the wedding of the century.

Camelot was abuzz with all the preparations, Arthur was grinning like a fool most of the time, and Gwen, well Gwen was just happy, floating around like the queen she soon would be.

What was Merlin to say about it all? Hanging back, watching the festivities, his thoughts turned bitter. He loved Gwen as friend, as co-conspirator, and in the past, they often had got into mischief, gossiping about all the goings-on at the castle, grinning at each other when Arthur did something stupid. He was happy for her, he was, but underneath it all, Merlin’s heart was already broken and all he could do was smile a fake smile and try and be the friend she thought he was.

Arthur was oblivious to it all, too busy beaming with happiness, and Merlin dealt with it as best he could, by completely ignoring it. If anything, Merlin’s barrage of insults increased and there were times when Arthur almost seemed to understand just how much Merlin was grieving.

Because Merlin _was_ grieving. He loved Arthur beyond all measure. He’d killed for him, done unspeakable things for him, saved him so many times that Merlin had lost count, but it wasn’t just because Arthur was his destiny. He loved Arthur in every way possible. He would do anything for him, including wishing him well when all he wanted to do was steal him away and show him just how passionate Merlin could be.

But Merlin wasn’t the only one grieving.

Lancelot watched Gwen with such devotion that it made Merlin’s love of Arthur seem trivial. Standing beside Arthur when required for a knight of Camelot, smiling when necessary, in all other ways, Lancelot became a ghost, drifting through the hallways, silent and haunted. He wasn’t eating, as far as Merlin could tell, growing thinner and wan as if trying to become that ghost and fade away from a life that had become unbearable.

It couldn’t go on, for either of them.

* * *

The ceremony complete, Merlin wanted to hide. He knew that, in the morning, Arthur would expect him to bring them breakfast, to make the bed he and Gwen had fucked in, to see them smiling at each other. Touching, kissing, whispering secrets to each other. And Merlin would have to nod and tease Arthur and pretend that he was happy for them. He wanted to vomit at the thought.

Instead, he got drunk. It didn’t take much. Wine was flowing and whiskey, ale and mead, cakes soaked in rum, not that Merlin had much appetite. But he worked his way through all the choices, stumbling out into the night when he couldn’t bear it any longer.

It took a long while to climb the stairs, but he tried. Merlin knew that Gaius wouldn’t be back for hours yet, and so he could use it as an excuse to return to his room and try and bury himself under blankets and heartache.

What he didn’t expect was Lancelot sitting there in the main room of Gaius’s quarters, a bottle of poisonous aconite in his hand, staring down at it as if deciding whether to drink it or throw it against a wall.

Merlin understood. He’d gone through that choice already, long ago, and even though his heart was broken, he still had a destiny, agonizing as it might be. Lancelot, though, loved Gwen beyond measure. It would be easy enough to drink it and slip into oblivion one final time.

Lance didn’t even look up when Merlin took the bottle from him and put it aside. Sliding down next to him, leaning his head against Lancelot’s shoulder, Merlin murmured, “I’d miss you, my friend.”

“I’m not really here, Merlin. I haven’t been here since Gwen told me that she had chosen him,” Lance said, sounding as if grief were clogging his throat.

Merlin put his arm around Lance’s waist and pulled him close. “Yeah, Arthur has no idea how I feel, either. He would think it a… joke. Sometimes, I can’t… bear to look at him.” Humming into Lance’s shoulder, Merlin said, “Love is shit.”

“Feeling this way is shit, but love is everything. Without it, there is no reason to go on. Here or anywhere, really.” Lance glanced back at the aconite, then sighed. “But I will. Go on. Just not… here. I can’t stay, not with Gwen and… the king. I will have to… learn to live without her.”

“I wish I could go with you,” Merlin whispered, wanting nothing more than to leave with Lancelot and escape the endless torment that he knew his life would be from now on.

“I wish you could, too. We could start a new life, me selling my sword. You’d be free to practice your magic. No worries, no expectations, no….” Lance slowed to a stop.

Merlin supplied the rest. “No love. But there you would be wrong, Lance. I care about you. I wish you happy. That is love, too.”

“You are drunk.” Lance pulled him up, then starting walking toward Merlin’s room. “Time for bed, my friend.”

Letting him guide him up the stairs, watching Lance as he pulled Merlin’s breeches off, and the neckerchief that seemed to strangle him at times. Lance rummaged through Merlin’s cupboard, pulling out a night shirt, then tried to wrestle him out of his tunic, too, the good one, the one Arthur had given him just for the wedding. It was Arthur’s and he had said it was too girly, and of course, he gave it to Merlin to wear. Of course, he ridiculed everything that Merlin did, and in that moment, Merlin felt furious and so very sad.

But Lance’s gentle hands helped, and Merlin glanced up through his lashes, looking at the handsome man, looking at his fast friend and seeing such sadness in his eyes that Merlin had to do something.

Stopping Lance, Merlin said, “I’m not that drunk. Not enough to think this isn’t a very bad idea.” It was a bad idea, especially with both of them feeling so vulnerable, but Merlin didn’t care. He wanted to feel and he wanted Lancelot to feel, too.

So he surged up, pulling Lancelot into a kiss. He could feel Lance startled under his touch, and resistant, but then in a rush, Lancelot kissed him back, hungry and frantic.

Pulling Lance on top of him, curling one leg around him to keep him from escaping, Merlin kept kissing him. Running his hands up and under Lance’s tunic, feeling the silk of his skin, the way the muscles moved as Lance kissed Merlin, Merlin flew high on it. Feeling something at last.

Lance started to protest, pulling away, but Merlin wouldn’t let him go. Instead, he whispered into Lance’s mouth, “Give me this. Give me a night to forget all this. Please, Lance, let me remember you with joy and not grief. Please.”

For a moment, Lancelot stiffened, his breathing hard, then he lowered himself back down, covering Merlin with his hard body. “A night, then. Because I love you, too.”

Moaning into Lance’s mouth, feeling as their tongue explored and slid, Lance’s hands clever and gentle as he skimmed Merlin’s skin, rolled, then pinched Merlin’s nipple even as Lance pushed his groin into Merlin’s. There was hardness there, and an eager thrust that spoke of hunger and desperation.

But they were both impatient, too. Clothes flying, skin sliding across skin, the way Merlin’s heart was racing, the rush of Lance breathing into Merlin’s ear and hands, everywhere hands drawing pleasure, both of them flying higher and higher as if trying to escape into the sun-fire of ecstasy.

They couldn’t last long. Merlin was still not quite sober, and Lancelot’s grief lay over everything. But they both seemed to want to prolong it as much as they could, and it wasn’t just hands exploring flesh. Mouths, too, wet and wild, biting, licking seemed to heighten the pleasure. As Lancelot panted, Merlin leaned down, then took him into his mouth, feeling the hardness solidify, the taste growing stronger and bitter, and as Lancelot cried out, Merlin’s mouth was flooded with it.

He couldn’t quite swallow it all, but pushing his fingers through what was left, smearing it around, he surged up again, sharing the taste with Lancelot as he thrust his tongue into Lance’s swollen mouth.

Lance’s groan, and his clever hand on Merlin’s cock was enough. Merlin flew high on it, the white heat, the pleasure/pain/pleasure that seemed to burst through his chest, the way his skin was flayed and stitched back again. Feeling everything.

* * *

They didn’t talk much in the morning. Lancelot promised to write although Merlin was quite sure Lance was lying about it. Merlin just glared at him and that was enough. He would hear from Lancelot again. He was sure of it.

Watching from the stairs, although his heart hurt as if it were broken and the shards cutting into the rest of him, he waved good-bye to Lancelot. For a long time, he listened to the horse’s hooves on the cobblestone courtyard, the fading clomp-clomp against a dirt road and then silence. 

It was time to put on a fake smile, ignore the now-and-always pain in his heart, and pretend that everything was fine. He would do it for Arthur’s sake and Gwen’s and Lance’s, too.

He just hoped that Lancelot would find peace at last.

But Merlin knew that neither of them ever would.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author's Notes:** Canon AU where Lancelot doesn’t die before Arthur and Gwen get married.  
>  **Camelot_drabble Prompt: pt 446:** Phila/affectionate love and Mania/obsessive love  
>  **Disclaimer:** Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
